Elisabeth Kübler-Ross (July 8, 1926 – August 24, 2004) was a Swiss-American psychiatrist who developed a model for understanding the five stages of grief called the Kübler-Ross Model. The model was introduced in her 1969 internationally bestselling book, On Death and Dying. The model was originally used to evaluate terminally ill patients but quickly gained traction as it was found to apply to many other forms of grief.
The Kübler-Ross Model was a revolutionary concept in 1969, and its simplified explanation of grief became wildly popular as psychiatrists began to apply it to all sorts of scenarios. The model gained popularity with the public after Life magazine published an article about Kübler-Ross and her work.
Fast forward 50+ years, and the Kübler-Ross Model has become pretty controversial. Many modern experts disagree with the model and its oversimplification of the stages of grief, but it does give a decent framework for understanding the basic emotions most people experience after a loss.
The Kübler-Ross Model is nonlinear, meaning that you may experience the stages out of order, together, multiple times, or not at all. Your grief is unique to who you are and the circumstances of your loss, and it’s ok if what you feel doesn’t fit the model’s mold.
Stage 1: Denial
Denial is typically the first stage because it deals with shock. You may experience disbelief, false hope, fear, confusion, or even elation. Denial typically comes with avoidance of the situation as a coping mechanism. You may try to put the traumatic event out of your mind or even ignore that it’s happened.
Stage 2: Anger
Anger is the second stage of the grief model. This looks like lashing out at people, especially those close to you. There’s a lot of frustration, irritation, and anxiety that comes with grief, and those feelings often translate into anger.
Stage 3: Bargaining
Bargaining is the stage where you typically start to try to make sense of your grief. You may be ready to talk about what happened with others as a way to process the trauma. You may also try to find a reason for what happened as a way to cope with the loss.
Stage 4: Depression
Depression looks like overarching sadness. It may trigger your fight or flight instinct, leading to hostility or lethargy. I once had someone describe depression to me as living life under a heavy blanket. You can still see bits of light through the blanket’s weave, and you can hear the people around you, but everything is muffled. Nothing affects you quite like it seems to affect others. And I think that’s a pretty accurate way of looking at it. Depression feels isolating, and the urge to withdraw from those around you can be really strong.
Stage 5: Acceptance
The final stage of the model is acceptance. Now acceptance, at least as it applies to child loss, is a bit of a misnomer. Because acceptance doesn’t mean that you’re suddenly okay with the loss you’ve suffered. It doesn’t mean you’ve forgotten your child. Acceptance is more of a survivor state. You’ve learned to breathe around the pain. You’re smiling and laughing again. You’re able to be present in the world most of the time. That’s acceptance.
The funny thing about grief is that you can experience multiple stages at once. And hitting acceptance doesn’t mean you won’t continue to experience the other stages sometimes- grief is a rollercoaster, full of ups and downs, twists and turns. Maybe even a few loops where you feel like you’ll fall to the ground under the weight of it all. Grieving is a lifelong process, and new traumas can and will reopen old wounds.
It’s also important to note that everyone grieves differently, and everyone moves at a different pace. Grief is intensely personal, and it’s situational. You may grieve the loss of a beloved pet for months, but it won’t feel the same as grieving a spouse or a sibling or a child. And it won’t feel the same for everyone: two parents of the same child will grieve that child in dramatically different ways.
If you ever feel like you’re stuck in one of the stages, or you’re feeling overwhelmed by the weight of your loss, please find someone to talk to. It could be a friend, a family member, or even a stranger on the internet. It could be a minister or a therapist. The important part is to talk to someone who will listen.
There’s a list of emergency numbers and websites under the References page here on MissingMina.com, and some websites linked that specifically deal with pregnancy and infant loss. Please reach out to one of them if you need to talk to someone who cares. If you need immediate help, you can call 988 from any phone or go to 988lifeline.org to talk to a trained counselor.
Missing Mina 
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