April Fool’s Day just passed, and with it the inevitable fake pregnancy announcements.  For the past few years, I’ve gently recommended to the people who post these fake announcements that their jokes are hurtful to those struggling with loss and infertility, and every year I’ve been met with a lot of faceless internet vitriol.  Over time, I’ve found that certain phrases are more likely to garner support, while others basically beg for a snarky clapback.  Whether you’re facing a persistent troll or a well-meaning friend who’s just a little clueless, I hope you find some inspiration from a few of my favorite ways to shut down arguments. All of these are actually comments I’ve gotten on social media and how I’ve responded.  Feel free to copy and paste- work smarter, not harder!

Can you explain what’s wrong with a joke about pregnancy? Pregnancy loss, infertility, and infant loss affect so many people. One in four pregnancies ends in miscarriage, and multiple miscarriages are not uncommon. For those who have struggled to get and stay pregnant, or for those who have carried to term only to lose a child to stillbirth or in the postpartum period, these joke announcements are painful and cruel. On an emotional level, pregnancy is tied to personhood; not being able to get pregnant or stay pregnant can damage one’s self worth, and our culture is cruel to those grieving loss. Miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss aren’t acceptable topics of conversation, which leads to grieving in silence and isolation. There’s also a lot of guilt that comes with these types of loss, and a lot of self-blame.

“It’s not that serious”…however, it is. I would never ask a stranger on the internet how many of their pregnancies ended in loss or how many years they’ve struggled to get pregnant. I wouldn’t ask if they’d considered adoption or surrogacy. Just like it’s not socially acceptable to ask someone if they’re pregnant based on the shape of their body, it’s not ok to ask these questions. And yet, people make jokes about pregnancy. They post fake ultrasound pictures with the caption lol food baby. Everyone makes mistakes, and everyone makes a bad judgement call once in a while. It’s how we handle the pushback we receive that shows who we are. Fertility is not, and never should be, a joke.

If you can’t handle a joke, don’t comment. Take your situational grief off the internet. My “situational grief” was a human being, and to minimize that is uncalled for. I commented because I am far enough along in my grief journey to calmly and politely explain to others why jokes like this are so harmful. Perhaps reflect on this: jokes mocking others aren’t funny. Jokes about a person’s struggles with identity, sexuality, race, etc just aren’t funny. And jokes about others’ struggles with loss and infertility should be treated the same way: as socially unacceptable.

Just keep scrolling if you don’t like it. We can’t learn if we’re not educated. All I’m doing here is explaining why these types of jokes are harmful. Looking the other way serves no one; ask Germany if you don’t believe me.

Not every place on the internet needs to be your safe space. Mute them and move on. Jokes like these are harmful to a breathtakingly large community of people. And yet, there’s a significant amount of ignorance as to why these jokes are harmful. How do we learn if we’re not educated? I’m simply here stating that the joke is harmful and volunteering to explain why to anyone who’s interested.

I get that it’s tacky, but you knew it was a joke. You’re right, but normalizing these kinds of jokes isn’t helpful. Impact over intent.

I don’t care about your dead baby. Have the day you deserve, asshole.

I think it’s funny and I don’t care about your opinion. Welcome to the wrong side of history. Just like jokes about race were acceptable in the 1950s and jokes about the LGBTQ community were acceptable just decades ago, someday we’ll look back and cringe at the jokes that mock infertility and loss.

Why do you care? Because I’ve suffered, and in that suffering I’ve learned empathy. It feels right to help others understand the pain these kinds of jokes cause. The better question is this: why don’t you care?