“At least you know you can get pregnant”
“At least you can have another baby”
“At least you have other children”
“At least she didn’t suffer for long”

Those are all things well-meaning people said to me after Mina died.  They’re all things that my brother and sister-in-law heard after every loss they suffered.  And they’re some of the most damaging phrases in the English language.  Let me tell you why.

“At least” is a minimizing phrase.  It takes your pain and tries to quantify it.  And you cannot quantify grief without 

1. Making it seem less than it is,
2. Making it about yourself, and
3. Triggering a guilt response in the person you’re trying to help.

Minimizing any sort of trauma is deeply unhelpful.  It tells the person suffering that they shouldn’t be in pain, shouldn’t be triggered by the traumatic events they’ve endured.  And while you likely know this and would never intentionally harm a loss parent you’re close to, impact matters more than intent here.  Quantifying loss is impossible because everyone grieves differently and because grief responses can be cumulative, meaning that traumatic events can pile up on each other, creating more and more stress and harm to the grieving person.

Minimizing someone’s trauma turns the focus onto your discomfort.  It centers you in someone else’s story.  And it signals to the grieving person that you no longer want to hear about their pain.  Whether it was your intention or not, you’ve now indicated to the grieving person that you’re not a safe person to confide in.  

On top of being unhelpful and minimizing, using phrases like “at least” can trigger a guilt response in the person who’s grieving.  Loss parents especially tend to deal with a lot of guilt after losing a child.  I know I did when Mina died.  I spent countless hours wondering if I’d done something to cause her cancer (I hadn’t) or if I could have done things differently to save her (I couldn’t).  And every time someone told me that I should be thankful because I had living children or had the ability to have more children, it sent me into a spiral of shame and guilt and “what-ifs”.  Even now, minimizing phrases can have an effect on my emotional well-being if I’m in a vulnerable headspace.  

“At least” is victim shaming because it tells you that you shouldn’t feel bad.  You shouldn’t feel the pain that you feel.  What’s worse, “at least” forces agreement or dissension, and neither is fun for loss parents.  We’re forced to either agree with your awful statement, or argue and defend our stance on why it’s a shitty thing to say.  And when you’re grieving the loss of a pregnancy or child, you often don’t have the energy to do either.  Agreeing forces you to compromise your mental health to avoid confrontation and can lead to a guilt spiral.  Arguing invites anger and judgment, and puts the speaker on the defensive. 

While minimizing trauma has a harmful effect on the grieving person, showing the right kind of social support has been proven to have a major protective effect on the suffering person, according to this study . 

So what can you say to show support?  Well, saying nothing is always an option.  Just listening and being present is helpful.  You can also express your sorrow for their loss.  “I’m sorry that this happened to your family” and “I know that loss like this can feel overwhelming.  I’m here to listen to you if you want to talk” are both great ways to show support and love without asking the grieving person to quantify their pain for you.  The most important thing you can do to show support is simply to be there.  Take your cues from the grieving person and follow their lead.  Support can look like a lot of things- sitting in silence, going out to lunch, laughing at silly jokes, or even coming over to cook a meal while the family naps.  What matters most is that you show up and show support.